A Taxicab Conversation
By Jen
This incident occured on the night of my fabulous Roller Skating birthday party at Roxy. After the party, instead of going home like a sensible birthday girl, I instead chose to meet a friend and former fling who had just gotten off work. Earlier in the evening this friend had flirted shamelessly with me AND given my some very pretty red roses. What occured in this cab ride home was most unfortunate, and a horrible way to end an otherwise perfect evening. The name has been changed to protect the innocent...or in this case, the not-so innocent.)
(Enter scene. Make-out session in cab with Mr. X )
Mr. X: I can't do this!! I have a girlfriend.
Jen: Okay....Sure. (Said with respect, as Mr. X appears to be trying to do the "right thing")
Mr. X: I mean...I'm sorry that I can't give you the birthday sex that I know you're looking for here.
Jen: (Chuckles, remembering the tiny....uh...problem from their prior tryst)
Mr. X: I mean...seriously. I'm really sorry. I know you wanted to have sex with me.
Jen: Yeah. Okay.
Mr. X: At least you got to make out with me. That flight attendant at the bar wanted me...and she didn't even get to make out with me. She was really hot.
Jen: Sure. Okay.
Mr. X: I mean she was hot. Not like you. You're just....you know....Jen. You do realize that I could of had that Swedish Flight attendant don't you. Instead I'm in the cab with you.
Jen: Stop talking now.
Mr. X: No seriously. I could have been in her hotel room. Instead I'm with you instead of that hot girl.
Jen: Seriously...stop talking.
Mr. X: You're lucky though. You at least got to make out with me. The flight attendant didn't even get that. She was so hot.
Jen: Now you've hurt my feelings.
Mr. X: You didn't think that I was going home with you did you? I have a girlfriend you know...I'm sorry we can't have sex.
Jen: (Silence)
Mr. X: She was really hot. Thanks for giving me a reason not to cheat on my girlfriend with her. I told her I had to make sure you got home okay. I told her I felt sorry for you.
Jen: Shut up now. You do realize that she was with her boyfriend don't you?
Mr. X: I do feel bad though...I know you wanted to have sex with me. You know, I was attracted to you once, I even risked my cat allergy for you at one point!
Jen: How much do I owe you? (To cab driver)
Jen: (Gives flowers back to Mr. X) You are a GIANT asshole! Take these...I don't even want them.
Mr. X: No, no...I want you to have them, it's the least that I can do
Jen: Okay. Fine (Gets out of cab, starts to walk across street, throws flowers down on curb, gives Mr. X the finger, goes inside)
5 minutes later, on the cell phone.
Jen: What.
Mr. X: I'm really sorry, sometimes I can be very self centered and dramatic.
Jen: You really hurt my feelings.
Mr. X: I mean...I was just trying to let you know that I could have been with someone really hot, and instead I was in the cab with you..that should make you happy.
Jen: What is wrong with you?
Mr. X: What are you talking about. I'm calling to apologize for not being able to have sex with you.
Jen. (My response here could have been scathing, rude, and downright embarassing for Mr. X. However, I did not stoop to his level, and just replied with:) Just know that you really hurt my feelings on the night of my birthday party and now I'm likely going to cry myself to sleep. Click.
GET OVER YOURSELF DUDE. My God.
On a lighter note....a big shout out to all those who made my birthday so wonderful! I'm seriously considering joining the FIRS. I wanna be a STAR!!!!
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Just an ordinary night on the town
By Jen
A recap of yet another amusing night out on the town… As tends to happen while hanging with a gaggle of gay men, we ended up at Splash. On this particular evening we were eagerly anticipating the arrival of our friend Rafe, who was coming in from London. As you will see, there were a few logistical problems involved with his arrival. The plan was to connect via cell phone when he reached Penn Station, whereupon we would inform him of our whereabouts so we could meet up for a night out. As you will see, when one relies too heavily on their cell phone, a simple evening can quickly become quite complicated…
730: I arrived at G. Upon arrival, I quickly realized that my phone would not work while inside the bar. When I went outside, I realized that that it would also not work on the street immediately outside the bar. Apparently there is some sort of vortex on 19th Street, between 7th and 8th Avenue, where, when you place a call on a Sprint phone it says: "Service not available in this area," and starts roaming. (Jerry's did the same thing) I don’t understand it. We were in Chelsea for christ’s sake, not the middle of the wilderness. Fortunately for me, I found that when you step onto the corner of 19th and 7th, there actually was phone service. Go figure. While standing on the corner, freezing my ass off and waiting for a call from Rafe, I got a call from Stevie telling me that he's at Chase waiting for me. Unfortunately, as I stated previously, we were not in fact at Chase, but instead downtown at G. (Apparently there were some mixed signals.) Stevie mentioned that since Penn Station is at 42nd Street, and Chase is closer to 42nd than G, he would just stay put until Rafe contacted us. After I informed him that Penn Station is not in fact on 42nd street, he decided to come down to meet us. I then walked back to the bar.
745: Stevie arrived, and I walked back to the corner of 19th and 7th to see if I could find out if Rafe had arrived yet. Come to find out via a voicemail that of course I had not seen, not only had he arrived, but he was waiting at Penn Station for me. I then walked back to the bar, filled the boys in on what was going on, and left, by myself, to go find Rafe at an undisclosed location near or at Penn Station.
750-8p: While in cab to Penn Rafe called and started to tell me where he was...I hear: "On the corner of 33rd and....beep, beep, beep. My phone died.
8p: Pulled up to Penn in cab, left meter running, and found (a very anxious) Rafe on the corner of 33rd and 8TH. Got back in cab, went back to G.
801p: Walked into G, tossed my bag down, and proceeded to knock over a drink and break a glass.
802p-930: Love, kisses, presents, drinks. Blah, blah, blah... Jerry and I made friends with hot waiter.
931P: Jerry and I took pill.
932p-230a: (The exact order of the these events in this window are slightly unclear)
·Went to XL for drinks. Jerry and I became convinced that we were going to win one of the prizes in a "Queer as Folk" raffle, even though we had no raffle ticket, nor did we officially enter the contest. We did not win.
·Jerry and I went to the bathroom together where he pooped while in the stall with me.
·We decided to leave and realized that Stevie's jacket had been stolen or was lost. We gave up hope after an incredibly half- assed search on Jerry’s and my part. By that time Jerry and I were giggling like schoolgirls.
·Cabbed it to Splash.
·Got taken for tourists at the door to Splash due to the fact that Stevie was carting around Rafe's suitcase in the manner of a flight attendant on the way to a trip. In a sick and twisted effort to take advantage of us the supposed tourists, the doorman charged us DOUBLE the cover. The doorman then informed Stevie that there were no suitcases allowed in Splash, (huh?) and if Stevie wanted to come in he had to make it look "NOT like a suitcase." Stevie somehow appeased the doorman by picking up the suitcase instead of pulling it, thus making it look like a ...uh....well...it still looked like a damn suitcase to me.
·Continue drinking.
·Jerry was too f*&ked up to dance, and no one else would dance with me, so we stand around.
·A large group of people entered the club and crowded us into the corner. I realized that my purse was still UNDER the large group of people and I attempted to locate it. I tapped some guy on the shoulder and told him that I needed to get my bag. Someone then pushed me from behind, upon which I fell against the guy, and realized that it was Nathan Lane. I groped around under Nathan Lane's feet for a while and finally found it. He looked at me quizzically and I walked off.
·Dan arrived, and finally I got to dance.
·Jerry suddenly decided to depart, and I decided to leave with him. I threw a temper tantrum for a really stupid reason, and ran out the door.
·Jerry immediately got in cab and went home. I then realized that I didn’t have any money left over so I headed to an ATM.
·Naturally, my card was demagnetized. I went to about 43 ATM's in a desperate effort to get cash. I was not successful. I went BACK to Splash to see if I could find Stevie and Rafe. They were gone. I considered asking Nathan Lane for some money, but I decided that was a bad idea.
3a: Since my cell phone was dead (See events that occurred 750-8pm) and I had no way to contact anyone who could help me, I realized that I had to take the Subway home and proceeded to walk to 14th street. In keeping with the frustrating nature of the evening, the subway station at 14th street was not open and I had to walk to West 4th. While walking up to the entrance of the subway, someone pushed me down, kicked my bag away from me, and bent down as if he was going to steal it. Then, in a miraculous turn of events, out of nowhere someone came from behind and pushed the guy who had pushed me, and saved me from being robbed. This unknown hero then disappeared into the darkness. I took a breath and stood up. My stuff was everywhere. I believe at this point I yelled, "What else could possibly go wrong!!!"
430AM: Finally get home after a particularly long ride on the Subway. By this point I was absolutely FUMING.
431: Go to bed.
630a: Wake up and go to work.
See... Like I said,Just another night on the town.
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identifright: the act of being shocked by your own image, such as when a roll of film from a night at Twist is developed.
See attached for examples...
(Wurd courtesy of Heather Z.)
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Radio Sham: Sydrome affecting bartenders in which a patron promises fictitious Radio Shack products in exchange for paying their $100 tab. Typically the customer leaves a catalog behind, promises to return in 20 minutes with a PlayStation2, and is never to be seen again. Particularly offensive considering Radio Shack only sells their private label crap and not Sony Playstations.
(Wurd courtesy of GxxP)
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Several months ago Jen and I were in the habit of going to Twist at least twice a week. Scottie the bartender makes us feel at home - he mixes delicious frothy drinks with names like "Cake" and gives us free reign of the stereo. There is one thing about those drinks though... they're very strong, and on more than one occasion they've gotten us into a bit of trouble. Apparently one lonely woman at the bar (and we know who she is, too) was upset enough about our good time to post a review about us on Citysearch. It was immediately taken down, along with our "Twist-O-Meter", and a review calling me a "theater geek" (whatever!). But we saved a copy, for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.
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It's been just about a year now since I've opened up my circle of friends to include the likes of Jerry and Stevie, and my life has grown increasingly better and happier thanks to them. I'm sure Jen can say the same. The only drawback is that we're two men and two women and we're all attracted to men, so we have the occasional dispute (drunk, at 2 am, when flirting runs the most rampant and judgement has already passed out for the night.) Therefore I recently drafted some rules that should prolong our blissful moments together and keep us out of harm's way.
From: GxxP
Sent: Monday, June 17, 2002 11:53 AM
To: Stevie, Jerry, Jen
Subject: RE: magic mountain....
Hm. Maybe we should establish some rules?
1) If two members of our group of friends like the same person, the first person to express the crush gets dibs. This would only be pre-empted by
A) the second crush-er asking the first crush's permission to make out with/have crush on said crushee.
B) the second crush-er happens to be more aligned with the crushee's sexual orientation, therefore the second crushee gets make out dibs.
2) If one member of our group has a crush on someone, but makes out with them or takes them home and decides they were insane to have the crush in the first place, then someone else in the group is allowed to have a crush on that crushee (although why would they want to???)
3) Flirting, ass-grabbing, and other public activities between the group of friends and crushees are allowed, but use your best judgement when taking someone home (obey the above rules, if possible.)
4) If two members of our group get drunk, they are entitled to make out with one another, regardless of sexual orientation.
5) However, should two members of our group get drunk, and should their sexual orientations be incongruent with one another, both members are entitled to bringing home someone outside of the group for serious fun when the evening ends and Splash kicks our drunk asses out. No crying allowed at this point, if it can be helped.
Let me know if you find the above mentioned rules too stringent. I think the smartest route of action is open communication, so if these rules seem to restricting, let's just be honest with each other and we'll all have a good time.
Oh, and I can think of a real life example of just about every single scenario mentioned above, so if your memory is clouded and you need a concrete example, ask away.
; )
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You Missed a Good One
By Gina
From: GXXP
Sent: Friday, February 01, 2002 1:20 PM
To: Showban
Subject: RE: you not on IM yet..
hey babe
you missed a good one. all i can say is the highlights are as follows:
-scott, the friendly neighborhood gay straight bartender who i made out with the last time i saw him, made us delicious drinks, played with our plastic jesus statue, and allowed me, at the end of the night, to recite shakespeare with him (he's auditioning for the tempest). i waltzed behind the bar, grabbed his, er, "package", and made out with him shamelessly. the customers were ignored for quite sometime, until eventually, one of them beseeched my beloved Scott "bartender, praythee may i have a drinketh? i am dying of thirst." scott also happens to have a crush on jen and called me after his shift, but i was passed out on the couch and didn't want to answer my phone.
-jerry, my lovah, hit on my friend heather. i called him a whore. he knows i was only kidding. i also introduced him as "my gay boyfriend" to scott, my "other gay boyfriend." jerry tried to light my hitter box - not the hitter, the actual BOX, at the bar, and doesn't know how he got home.
-reza, our beloved sales engineer, at one point of the evening, quit. he just fucking quit his job. he nearly did the same thing at the christmas party, but didn't leave as he did last night, hugging us and bidding us farewell. he is working from home today and apparently waiting to hear from HR on monday about his "status". he does remember how he got home, and apparently got into a fight with his friend. a knock down drag out fight that has left him bruised and pained, but as he says, they "cool" now.
-stevie also confessed to having a crush on jen and admitting that he wants to have sex with women. he invited me to a superbowl party on sunday given by his friend whose mom is an ambassador in the dominican republic. i am supposed to act as if i don't realize this and drop into conversation that i am going there in april. apparently he is a generous man and will likely invite me to stay in his mom's palatial estate. stevie, like jerry, does not remember how he got home last night. i was the last one to see him, belly up to the bar, talking to a misogynist englishman that verbally attacked me a number of times, at which point he would apologize, but 5 minutes later say something rude about women again.
-heather cried.
-jen had a merry band of onlookers, the most appalling of which was frans, who apparently told her she was hot and grabbed her ass. last night i found this funny and called frans at home to harass him about it. this morning i took it all in and got very upset about the whole thing. i pounded my keyboard in an IM rage, told frans his band sucks and that i support him anyway and don't appreciate him hitting on my friends, who all think he's a big jerk anyway. i marched over to his cube, which is one row behind mine, with my headset still attached to my head. i bungeed back for a second, threw it off my head, and then asked him, in front of the whole office (well, the only people who had made it in by 10 am, that is, which is not many) "who the fuck do you think you are?!" he conceded to talking it out downstairs. he claims to not remember much, and denies malicious intent, and also does not remember how he got home last night.
-jen left with her new russian, to go to scores. jen apparently looked like hot shit last night. good for her.
-jayme was not there but had to get her two cents in and sent this missive to frans:
Franz,
In light of recent events, I feel as if I can at long last confess my true feelings to you. It has come to my attention that you have no ethical qualms whatsoever, with propositioning your recent ex's nearest and dearest friends. Everyday I pray to sweet Jesus in heaven that one day you will grab my ass in public.
Jayme
i live a fucking funny life. i have rockstar stories too. the email flirtation is reaching climactic proprotions. we must see one another soon. jen and i have concert tix tonight, would you like to meet us after?
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