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I recently assisted my good friend Kristin with her application to get into the UCLA MBA program. It was a long and arduous five-essay process, and as a thank you present, she treated me to a fun-filled day at Universal Studios in Hollywood. I am a lover of all types of amusement parks, and was immediately thrilled by the prospect of spending the day learning about the “magic of the movies.” I had never been to a Universal Studios, and my knowledge of the park was limited to an episode of an 80’s sitcom where the cast visits the park. For the life of me I could not remember which 80’s sitcom this was, but did recall from the episode a montage of the cast traveling via tram all about the park, being frightened by movie monsters, flash floods, earthquakes, and JAWS. It was good enough for me.

In an effort to avoid crowds, Kristin and I arrived bright and early on Saturday morning, and avoid crowds we did. Apparently very few people found it necessary to get up at 7:30 am to get to the park when it opened, and the park’s visitors at that early hour were limited to foreign tour groups, a smattering of families with small children, one Tibetan monk, and us. We decided to take advantage of its emptiness, immediately nailed down our plan of attack for the morning, and headed off to the first activity:

Waterworld: A Tidal Wave of Explosive Action
What was a tragically horrific movie has been transformed by Universal Studios into a really cool live show. The action-packed fifteen minute performance was resplendent with loud explosions and burning buildings, ridiculously faux fight scenes, and daredevil jet-skiers who dove under the water, jumped through walls of fire, and continually soaked audience members who were sitting in the seats labeled “soak section.” Note to Universal Studios: You might want to label the “soak section” in several different languages, as there were many Japanese tourists who were shocked and somewhat frightened when the characters in the show “warmed up” the audience by dumping buckets of water on their heads.

After Waterworld was over, we saw that the line to "Back to the Future: The Ride" was a mere five minutes long, and decided it was time “to rip across the past and blast into the future with Doc Brown in his tricked-out, high-flying, time-traveling machine.” As with all rides in the park, they try (and not very hard) to make it seem like the ride is “real.” The gimmick on Back to the Future was that we were supposed to be participating in a scientific study of some kind, and they send you into individual examination rooms with several other people. The members of our study were a young blond couple who didn’t speak, and the aforementioned Tibetan monk. As Doc Brown explained that we were on a mission to save the future, I’m pretty sure the Tibetan monk didn’t understand that we were on a ride rather than participating in an actual experiment. He looked rather confused. As was promised to us, we zipped around Hill Valley in our tricked-out time machines, traveled to the past where we got swatted around by a dinosaur, and then fell into some sort of volcano. Naturally, we ended up saving the day. It was a rather rocky ride, but incredibly fun. As we climbed out of the car on unsteady legs, the Tibetan Monk was only able to muster the words, “That was scary!” He sounded weak and disoriented.

After pausing briefly to take a picture with my head inside of JAWS’ mouth, we headed to The Studio Tour that I remembered fondly from the unnamed 80’s sitcom. This was where things really took a turn for the better. We both agreed we were thirsty, and spied a cart selling refreshments. I was about to purchase a Spongebob Squarepants water bottle, when I noticed that there was beer on the menu. Actual beer. I jokingly asked if we could take a couple of Corona’s on the ride. I expected laughter, and a resounding “NO” as a response, but was startled to hear the woman behind the cart say, “Of course you can.” Despite the fact that it was only 10:30 am, we purchased two beers and, after almost accidentally joining a Spanish-only tour, finally settled down for a ride. The tour of the studios was great, my favorite ride of the day (and not just because of the beer). The facts about movie making were fascinating. For instance, did you know that in old westerns, they built doorways smaller than normal in an effort to make the cowboys look bigger and more imposing? Conversely, they would build other doorways on a smaller scale in an effort to make the women seem tiny and more like damsels-in-distress. Anyway…There’s something sort of cool about sitting just yards from the famous town where from The Mummy was filmed and seeing the lake where Showboat was shot. You would be looking right at The Bates Motel from Psycho, and notice in the background the set of Whoville from Jim Carry’s The Grinch. The special effects displays were also really amazing. We were caught in a flash flood, got stuck underground during an earthquake, were almost taken out by King Kong (who was breathing banana breath), and were nearly attacked by JAWS (who, incidentally, has been lit on fire to spice things up a bit).

The Studio Tour deposited us right in front of another refreshment stand, where we purchased two frozen margaritas and went on our way. That was pretty much how the rest of the day progressed. Margarita, ride, bathroom…Margarita, ride, bathroom. It was like Vegas, but without the gambling. For some reason, in this little pocket of Los Angeles, we were allowed to walk around consuming alcohol right out in the open. It was splendid. Perhaps it’s just the tequila talking, but never in my life have I been to an amusement park, or any performance or public event for that matter, where the staff was so accommodating and personable. The rides turned out to be pretty much as we had expected, but the lines were short, and, thanks to the staff, we bounced from ride to ride effortlessly:

ET’s Adventure: Sadly, this ride was a horrible disappointment. ET was one of the first movies I ever saw in the theater, and I was really excited to get to see him in the flesh, or the plastic, or whatever he is made of. Kristin had also promised me a crazy surprise at the end of the ride. After giving my name to an usher who programmed “Jennifer” into a computer, I hoped the surprise would be that ET would tell me in his halting Speak-N-Spell voice that he loved me and wanted to phone home or something like that. Unfortunately I was in for disappointment, as the ride turned out to be a shorter, less exciting version of “It’s a Small World.” Now, if you have ever been on “It’s a Small World,” you should know how hard it would be for something to be LESS exciting than that particular ride. The surprise at the end also turned out to be a bust. Somehow the girl taking names neglected to enter mine in properly, and everyone in our car got to have ET say goodbye to them except for me. I felt slightly rejected after the ET ride.

Backdraft: The Backdraft attraction’s tagline should actually be “A Pyromaniac’s Dream Come True.” Basically it’s 15 minutes of really cool special effects with fire. Lots and lots of fire. During the final scene it got so hot in the room, and the smell of fuel was so permeating, that I couldn’t help but wonder how setting off explosions a mere 10 feet from 100 people could possibly be legal. The best part of Backdraft however, was the staff working the line. We weren’t allowed to bring our margaritas into the building, and they let us sit on a lovely bench to the side of the line until we finished…then they just let us get back in the front of the line. It was as if our drinks were the equivalent of having VIP passes at a concert. It was wonderful.

The Special Effects Stage: Good experience and cool special effects, but unfortunately I had missed the restroom stop prior to the show, and spent the majority of the performance wishing that it would end. Note: If you are consuming alcoholic beverages at a rapid rate, DO NOT deviate from your schedule of Margarita, Ride, Bathroom, lest you ruin your good time.

Animal Planet Live: I came into this performance expecting ferocious crocodiles and roaring lions and tigers, and was slightly disappointed to find out that the most exotic animal appearing that day was a domesticated orangutan wearing a tutu. Ho Hum. Fortunately, the emcee, a gorgeous animal trainer from LA, was so engaging that I quickly forgot about my expectations and focused all my attention on his khaki-clad body.

We paused on our way to Terminator: 3D, to pose for pictures with Captain America, Spongebob Squarepants, and Curious George. I’m pretty sure Mr. Squarepants tried to grab my ass, but he could have just lost control of his strange swinging arms. I can’t figure that Spongebob guy out. We asked one of the park employees what his deal was, and after a lengthy explanation came away with the knowledge that he was A: Made of a kitchen sponge, B: Had square pants due to the fact that he was a square kitchen sponge, and C: Lived under the water with his friend who was a starfish. This explanation left me more confused than when I simply thought he was a square yellow man.

Terminator2: 3D: A fabulous way to end the day. This show is marvelous from the moment you step into the staging area. Upon entering the room, a hilarious announcer informed us that we were all supposed to be attending a presentation at “Cyberdyne Systems,” the evil company that we all remember fondly from the Terminator movies. The “presentation” is taken over by that scary guy from Terminator: 2 who is made of liquid metal, and Arnold comes to save the day. All of this is performed with combination of live stunts, and an intricate 3D movie. It was so good (and scary) that I screamed loudly several times.

After T2, we were wiped. The combination of a countless number of margaritas, several churros, and a long day of walking led to one thing, and one thing only: Bedtime. As we walked out of the park, we were stopped by The Blues Brothers. The Dan Akroyd character told us that he needed to stop us because, “Rumor had it that we’d been causing a whole heck of a lot of trouble.” “Is this true?” he asked us. “Absolutely,” we replied. “Fair enough,” he said, and sent us on our way. As I walked up to a refreshment cart outside of the studios and realized that margaritas were no longer an item on the menu, I became sad. After a day at Universal Studios, it’s easy to forget how oppressive the real world can be.