I don’t pretend to get along with everyone; after all, I am an Aries. Love me or hate me – it really doesn’t matter because true to my Aries spirit, I love me enough for both of us. Through the years I have learned that this “I’m greater than great” attitude (…I actually went through a period in my youth when I signed my name Yoda the Great) is quite offensive to some. And while there are many noble people out there who truly live by the “it’s not my place to judge” mentality, after years of therapy I am pretty comfortable with the fact that I can be one great, judgmental bitch. However, on my cattiest day, I don’t hold a candle to Clea*. Clea embodies judgment – she is highest reigning priestess on the Supreme Judgmental Court. This woman – and everything she stands for – is in my office. She fuels my Aries fire.

If you saw Clea in a bar, you’d think she’s cute - cute clothes, cute hair, cute bod – very cute. THIS MAKES HER ALL THE MORE DANGEROUS. Clea can wrap her cute little web around you faster than you can compliment her cute little handbag.

Clea has not just read the godforsaken dating advice book,“The Rules”, she actually abides by it. If Clea had a hotel, there would be a copy of this book in each and every nightstand. If Clea had a hotel chain, she’d put the Mormons out of business. And, since all creatures of evil must reproduce, Clea does not fly solo in this crusade. She preys on insecure women everywhere. She lures the innocent into her lair (usually the mall – preferably while trying on bathing suits) and divulges her secrets of the dating universe. Her cuteness foils the non-suspecting. Her venom spreads. She multiplies. There are now three Cleas in my office.

“The Rules” is just the tip of The Cleas’ iceberg. The Cleas have an itemized list of 100 personality traits that must be carefully reviewed before going to bed with any man. No shit. 100 items. (The Cleas are all frigid bitches who get laid even less than I do – if that’s humanly possible.) Every question has been weighed. Every answer has a point value. For example “He can’t watch football on Sundays (how middle class!)” is only slightly less important than “Doesn’t drive an economy car.” Any man who scores under 75% is stamped “Not Datable.” AND – The Cleas have fully admitted no man could possibly score over 90%. Now, to their credit, it is not an actual paper survey. They have the items memorized. (The Cleas are not “dumb broads.”) But with 100 qualities to get through, The Cleas realize it may take a few dates complete a profile. Who has time for such shenanigans? They have taken the next logical step and created an abbreviated version for the first date.

The abbreviated survey consists of five questions that are “casually” brought up on a first date. You know, casual first date questions like “Do you want children and if so, how soon?” The goal of The Cleas is to have a verdict on whether or not said fellow shall be granted a pass to a second date before dessert is served. No joke. The Cleas run a tight ship.

Now, all this said, I’m going to go ahead and go on record saying Cleas everywhere should be dragged out into the street, stripped to their bras and underwear, and forced to let male models circle their fat with big black magic markers.

Will someone please tell me what on Earth makes The Cleas think they’re all that? I hate The Cleas! I hate what these women do to poor unsuspecting men. While I feel badly for the innocent women caught like a deer in headlights in The Cleas web, I am FURIOUS about what these venomous bitches are doing to the male species. The Cleas of the world are mind-melding good men everywhere and they’re spitting out bitter, rejected, angry assholes who I will invariably end up dating. Assholes who may have otherwise been great men if they’re weren’t, oh I don’t know, human?!

No wonder men think we’re all a bunch of hypocrites and we’re only after money. The Goddamn Cleas have a Goddamn list of 100 traits and a Goddamn abbreviated version of it for a first date! I for one am tired of them giving a bad rap to REAL women. That’s right – REAL WOMEN!

Grown up women!
Women with curves!
Women who have aspirations beyond a big fat diamond ring!

The Cleas MUST BE STOPPED! I am officially starting an I HATE THE CLEAS CLUB and I am looking for members. You must be judgmental – cast aside the “it’s not right to hate” verbiage of your youth. You’re right - hate is a strong word - but it’s the right word. If you HATE The Cleas – tell me your thoughts on how they should be punished.

THE I HATE THE CLEAS CLUB IS NOW IN SESSION!

P.S. As of 2/19/03, all of The Cleas in my office are single.

P.P.S. Just as a side note, Clea herself has a photocopy of my favorite Rothko painting in her office. It’s hanging upside down. Goddamn poser.

*The name is actual to expose the guilty