Just a mere three days ago I professed my excitement over of one of the many, many reality TV programs gracing the airways this week. The Surreal Life premiered last night, and turned out to be everything I could have ever imagined it to be....and way, way, less.
For those of you who haven't been living on planet earth (or those of you who simply don't suffer from serious reality-tv addictions like myself), The Surreal Life is one the latest reality tv shows, and can simply be described as "The Real World" meets "The World of Washed-up Celebrities Attempting to Capitalize on their Former Stardom in One Last Pitiful Gasp." It's brilliant.
Let's meet the cast:
Corey Feldman
Former star of such great films as Goonies, Stand by Me, and The Lost Boys, Corey now dedicates his life to being a colossal asshole. Though being a colossal asshole is quite time consuming, Corey somehow manages to find time to insult and offend almost everyone around him. He is also is a self-proclaimed sex-addict. Lucky for him, his fiancé lets him sleep with other women, as long as she is in the room. I hate him so very much.
Vince Neil
Lead singer for Motley Crue and Dr. Feelgood himself, Vince Neil has spent his life as THE bad boy of rock n' roll. Vince has seen and done everything, and is nonplussed by the actions and antics of his new roommates. He's jaded, he's cool, and he's my favorite cast member.
Emmanual "Manny" Lewis..aka Webster
Webster looks exactly the same as he did when he was nine years old, but slightly chubbier. His adorable looks have been preserved as if he's been kept in some sort of child star time capsule for the past 25 years. That, combined with the high-pitched squeal he lets loose every two minutes, frightens me to my very core.
MC Hammer
Former rap superstar MC Hammer now spends the majority of his life away from the spotlight, preaching to his church, spending time with his family, and recovering from serious bankruptcy. Though he seems like a genuinely nice guy, his tendency to break into Mr. T - like rants when he gets worked up is rather annoying.
Brande Roderick
Former playmate of the year and Baywatch star, Brande now spends her days...um...well...being blond with big boobs? She also seems to have an unnaturally close relationship to her dog. She's boring. Next please!!
Gabrielle Carteris
Andrea Zuckerman faded from the spotlight immediately following her departure from 90210. They claim she is the host of her own talk show "Gabrielle," but I work in TV, and have neither seen nor heard of such a show...ever. I was once the host of my own talk show too. It was called "Teen Talk," and was produced by my best friend in the eight grade. It was likely seen by more people that "Gabrielle," seeing as I forced all my friends and neighbors to watch it on a regular basis.
Jerri Manthey
Former star of "Survivor: The Australian Outback," and former Playboy Playmate, Jerri is trying to stretch out her 15 minutes of fame as long as is humanly possible. She is a self-proclaimed "bitch," and strangely enough is one of the most likable cast members.
And so it begins...
Corey arrived first, kissed his fiancé (who is WAY too good looking for him) goodbye, and then promptly entered the house only to immediately call her and tell her how much he already missed her. Vince Neil arrived next, dropped off his stuff, popped open a beer, and plopped down on the couch. Webster, Hammer, Brande, and Andrea Zuckerman arrived in rapid succession.
Hammer and Webster immediately initiated a disturbingly close friendship and agreed to share a small orange room. Hammer got the top bunk. All joking aside...MC Hammer is actually sleeping on the top bunk of a bunk bed. While unpacking, Webster pulled a People's Choice Award out of his suitcase and began polishing it. Hammer laughed, reached into his own suitcase, and trumped Webster's People Choice Award with one of his very own Grammy's. The two new BFF's giggled, and prominently displayed the awards on a shelf in their room.
As the roommates gathered around the table for a meet and greet, they realized that they were still missing one member of the group. Despite the 700 pictures of her scattered about the house, it still took all of their collective brain power to discern that the last roommate would be Jerri Manthey from Survivor. This incensed Corey Feldman for some reason, who stated over and over that she was not "one of them," and did not belong or deserve to be on the show. They were, after all, big superstars, and Jerry was just a contestant on a reality show. Um, Corey? NEWSFLASH!! YOU are a contestant on a reality show.
As the roommates got adjusted, a small envelope containing $500 for groceries and supplies magically appeared, and the group decided to make a trip to the supermarket. Andrea Zuckerman lovingly prepared a specific list of food and supplies that they would need in order to survive the two weeks. Sadly, and despite all Andrea's motherly good intentions, when the group arrived at the supermarket the list was forgotten altogether and the organized shopping trip quickly became a wild free-for-all. Each roommate took a cart and barreled around the store, tossing food and supplies into their carts willy nilly as if on a celebrity version of Supermarket Sweep. Ten frantic minutes later, they all met at the cash register and spent about sixteen hours figuring out what they should and should not buy. Corey was a horrible nuisance, constantly yelling and bitching about the fact that he was a vegetarian and he could starve (STARVE!!!) if they didn't purchase him the proper food. While all this was going on the other supermarket patrons stood around, mouths agape, murmuring to each other and remarking on the ridiculousness of the scene. One women's cell phone conversation was overheard. "It's MC Hammer and Webster," she said with a disgusted and perplexed tone. "It appears that they're fighting with Corey Feldman about what groceries to buy."
Upon the roomie's return to the manse, the real fun began. Corey and Andrea had a knock-down drag-out fight about vegetarianism. Corey's argument made so little sense that I find it difficult to even convey, but I will try. The short and long of it was that he was a staunch vegetarian for moral reasons and NOT health reasons. He thinks animals should be loved and petted and not killed EVER, for any reason. He then proceeded to tell Andrea that she was basically a horrible animal killer. She was surprisingly gracious, brushed it off, and told him that he was welcome to his opinions. She then noticed his shiny leather shoes, and asked him how he rationalized wearing leather if he was a vegetarian for "moral" reasons.
"Leather," he screamed, "Has NOTHING to do with being a vegetarian for moral reasons." "Plus," he explained, "they were a gift, so it doesn't count."
"A gift?" Andrea asked with a condescending note in her voice. "How about if I give you a big fat steak as a gift, then will you eat it?"
"IT'S NOT THE SAME!!" Corey whined, and stomped off to call his fiancé for what seems like the 100th time that day.
I'm liking Andrea more and more. I actually thought she was being rather generous offering him a steak. At that point in the show all I would have been willing to offer him as a gift would have been a big fat kick in his gigantic head.
Jerry Manthey of "Survivor" showed up soon after the argument. She was greeted with lukewarm hellos from her fellow cast members. Corey made it a point to be excessively rude, seemingly following her around for the sole purpose of putting her down and making her feel like a "lesser" star. Brande, Jerri's fellow Playboy Playmate, was the cattiest of the females...stating that she was incredibly disappointed that the seventh roommate was a "nobody."
After a touching heart-to-heart in the living room, followed by a chorus of Kum Bah Yah...the roommates went to bed and the world was at peace for eight hours or so.
They next morning the roomies got up and discovered that the "Surreal Life Fairy" ( aka the producers of the show) had left them a "Surreal Life Newsletter" and several pans of brownies. The "Surreal Life Newsletter" kept them abreast of the goings on in the house, and basically spread gossip in the manner of the National Enquirer. The headline of the newsletter screamed "Brande says, "Jerri Manthey is NO Robin Givens." Huh? I must have missed something because I have no idea what that means. I don't feel so bad, because it didn't appear that the roommates knew what the headline meant either. It certainly sounds scandalous though doesn't it? One of the other "stories" in the newsletter was entitled "New Roommates give Brownies to Neighbors."
About 10 minutes later, somebody said, "I have a great idea! Let's go deliver brownies to the neighbors."
What followed was one of the saddest, most pathetic scenes I've ever borne witness to. The seven roommates marched along the street, pounding on doors, and thrusting plastic pans of brownies in the faces of their wealthy neighbors, many of whom sensibly did not open their doors. Webster and Hammer led the group, like two mismatched drum majors directing a band of nerds. I felt sorry for them. So sorry for them in fact that I could no longer watch, and changed the channel for about ten minutes to catch part of a rerun episode of Queer as Folk on Showtime.
After a healthy dose of gay soft porn, I was ready to return to our friends on The Surreal Life.
I don't know what I missed, and frankly I don't care. When I returned to the show, the roommates were readying themselves for some sort of dinner party. They arrived in the backyard, and found that the producers had prepared a lavish feast of sushi for the group. Hammer, Webster, and Corey were disgusted. Why were they disgusted you may ask? Well, this was no ordinary feast of sushi. This sushi was elaborately displayed atop a scantily clad, and very well endowed, Asian woman. Again you may ask....Why were those three men disgusted? Saki, sushi, and near nude females are usually not something that most normal men oppose to. It has been well established however that Hammer, Webster, and Corey are nowhere near normal. Not liking sushi, loving god and family, and not wanting to exploit women were some of Hammer's reasons for fleeing the scene and running back into the house. Webster was made so uncomfortable by the situation that he couldn't stop giggling like a hyena. He immediately joined Hammer back in their room. Corey also begged off, stating that he wasn't allowed to enjoy the company of another woman unless his fiancé was present. He also made it a point to let us know once again that he was a VEGETARIAN and couldn't have enjoyed the food anyway. (I swear, if I hear him say that one more time...) Always the hypocrite, two seconds later he let us in on the knowledge that if his fiancé WAS there, he would have been able to enjoy both the woman AND the food.
Corey's Rules of Vegetarianism:
Killing of animals is immoral and wrong.
Addendum 1: You can wear leather if it is a gift.
Addendum 2: You can eat meat if sex is involved.
Do I have that about right?
The four remaining roommate's attempt to enjoy their meal was thwarted by the three opposers, who, continuously throughout the meal, returned to the table to tell the diners how immoral and wrong it was to be gawking at a near-nude woman. These sentiments failed to ring true with me, as all three
naked-sushi opposers gaped and stared the "poor exploited women's breasts" during the entirety of their diatribe.
Some drinking happened after that, and some more fighting. Corey placed about 43 more calls to his fiancé, during the last of which he asked her to marry him on live TV during the last episode of the show. "Honey," he said, "Just think, our marriage will be seen by the entire world!"
Corey, I have some news for you..the "entire world" is a bit of a stretch. Keep acting as you have, you'll be lucky if all seven members of the cast show up for the ceremony.
The episode ended with what I'm sure was intended as dramatic revelation, but turned out to be nothing more than Corey Feldman trying to get some camera time. Corey gathered his roommates around and announced with gusto that he would be getting married on the show!!! Brande looked confused. Vince Neil yawned and popped open a cold beer. Hammer and Webster missed the announcement entirely as they had tucked themselves into their bunk beds promptly at 8pm.
The End.
Next week on The Surreal Life:
Some nudity may be involved, bikinis are definitely involved, and Vince Neil drinks more beer. Most importantly, someone makes Corey Feldman cry.
I will put myself through he pain of watching this show again for the sole purpose of finding out who caused Corey's pain. I plan to send that person a heartfelt letter of congratulations and thanks.
Till next time....
