Vol. 1
My first outing in dating cyber space was actually four years ago in Los Angeles. Unbeknownst to any of my friends until now, I surfed Match.com and found what appeared to be a pretty decent man. When he finally grew tired of my email novellas about how sick and ridiculous online dating was, he said, “Look, I’m not trying to be rude, but relationships are not about email. They’re about chemistry. I’m not going to email you again until you agree to meet with me.” Rule #1 about cyber dating – these people actually want to meet you. They are not looking for pen pals. Whereas I was perfectly content to swap lame jokes and use emoticons, Dominic was serious. I agreed to meet him in a VERY public place and quickly learned Rule #2 – when adding your photo to a dating site, do not upload the best picture you’ve ever taken in your whole entire life. It’s a good idea to upload an average picture. Let the person be pleasantly surprised when you finally meet in person. Dominic was cross-eyed. I was not (and frankly, am not) nearly mature enough to get past crossed-eyes. I decided my prime-ass real estate was far superior to anything in www-ville, and went back to crawling the bars at 2 a.m. looking for Mr. Right.

Vol. 2
Upon moving to San Francisco, I learned about the online community, CraigsList.com. This website is an essential part of Bay Area culture. You can get a job, a roommate, a computer, a blowjob, …anything your heart desires on CraigsList. EVERYONE (literally) uses this site. CraigsList has a “Missed Connections” page, where you can post love notes to the strangers from all those random encounters that could have lead somewhere if only you’d had the nerve to say ‘hello.’ This page was a bit of a danger zone for me. Not because I posted a note to every bartender/bag boy/guy in a Benz I saw, but rather because I invented a very elaborate love life for myself in my head. I envisioned every bartender/bag boy/guy in a Benz posting longing messages for me. “Oh, hot girl that gets stuck in the I-280 commute everyday, please please please send me your email – I’m the Adonis in the Porsche who cuts you off everyday because I long for your touch, not because I’m an asshole driver.” After about six months of fantasizing I found myself exhausted. It’s difficult to be an imaginary cyber vixen – there were at least a few hundred imaginary men out there chasing me down, flooding the World Wide Web with messages for my whereabouts. I needed some time off from all the heart breaking. Rule #3 – You never get laid if you are merely a figment of your own imagination.

Vol. 3
Then, the big dogs came to play. Every fellow Jew I knew was talking about JDate.com. That’s right, online Jewish dating. God Bless my Jews. Some schmuck out there is making $30 a month off of every Jew who’s single and tired of hearing Mom say “When are you going to find yourself a niiiiice JEWish boy/girl?” As if this topic of conversation wasn’t bad enough at the occasional Jewish holiday, like a horrible infection word hit the Jewish circuit and suddenly Moms and Bubbies across the country had fodder for their own active imaginations….“You know, Ira Weinstein’s daughter met a nice JEWish fella on JDate and they got MARried. Why don’t you give it a try?” There’s only so much a girl can take. When the grandp’s in Boca are pushing for a JDate membership it’s easier to just conform. Besides, the very thought of this cyber Jew world awakened the cyber vixen in me…she was itching to get out and play.

First, there was Matt.
Funny guy. Kinda cute. Things progressed nicely online so we swapped digits and I called him. Imagine the most Jewish sounding voice you’ve ever heard in your entire life….multiply it by a thousand. Rule #4 – You may not have luck with online dating if you are as immature as I am. Matt never even made it to a second call.

Next came Winner.
I was curious. What kind of guy actually has Winner as a screen name? Is he arrogant? Confident? Is he, in fact, a winner? His picture was cute, his writing was witty and he didn’t sound too Jewish, so we met. Rule #5 – Screen names are not remotely indicative of anything. Do not waste anytime using your secret decoder ring to figure them out. They do not reflect who the person is, nor who the person perceives himself to be. (Think about it – what would your name be? Whatever you choose, it’s going to sound dorky. You could just as easily name yourself rutabaga.) Winner was far and away the most timid individual I have ever met. I honestly felt like someone should have walked this poor kid home after our date. What if he got lost? Would he be able to ask for directions? Tell the cops what his address was?

Third up to bat, Not2Jew
We looove Not2Jew. For starters, he’s not too Jewish. Funny, witty and down right adorable. We’ve been emailing for about two months. We’ve spoken on the phone several times, but only actually met once. We’ve become pretty good friends, but we never hang out. I know there’s a Rule #6 in here somewhere, but I’m not sure what it is yet…. I’m going to need to consult the JDate manual to manage my expectations with this one. Lucky for me, JDate has a customer care staff that “is here round the clock to help you find that special someone.” Perhaps Rule #6 is – if you are such a social moron that you have to not only use online dating, but also the customer service center to figure out how to actually date, you should go ahead and shoot yourself.

While I’m trying to understand Not2Jew’s strategy, in comes Mr. Soprano
Mr. Soprano is a verrry, verrrry important Rule #7 - there are professional cyber daters. My, oh my is Mr. Soprano polished. This smooth operator knows his way around the cyber ladies. I honestly thought I hit the Jewish mother load. Imagine my shock when grown up Greg Brady stepped out of the brand new Jaguar to pick me up. Tony Soprano this kid is NOT! It was suddenly A Very Brady Christmas. As if my acting talents were not stretched to their utmost limit to be polite to my date (that’s Greg Brady – NOT Tony Soprano), he has an answer for absolutely everything. My personal favorite was when he informed me, “All creative people of any worth are emotionally underdeveloped.” I was angry for an entire week after this encounter. Greg Brady offended every last nerve in my body. Rule #8 – there aren’t just misfits and Curious Georges dating online, there are also bona fide pricks.

Greg Brady offended me so much, that I decided to cancel my subscription. I’d ride out the NottooJew experience and put the cyber vixen to rest for a while...

Except now I’m out there, and XfactorF83D came a knockin’.
(See what I mean – waste no time with the secret decoder ring. Who the hell knows?) What a cutie this one is. Very charming, interesting guy – has a PhD in law, is 26 and has decided to give it all up to start a BBQ sauce distribution company. Here’s what he knows about product supply management and food production: “Yo, like I spent four months in an RV touring BBQ country and I just really dig good Q.” Uh huh. Rule #9 – online dating is a great place to find that “type” you have never dated before, but have always been interested in. It is also good to help identify what kind of guy you have officially outgrown.

I’ve promised myself that this week is it. This cyber vixen is once again exhausted from her demanding public. More importantly, I have suddenly had a revelation: I’ve never really enjoyed dating Jewish men – WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING ON THIS SITE?????

Knock Knock – Hottie Here. Meet Slaid
What can I say besides Hubba Hubba. According to his profile, Slaid’s ideal first date “Probably ends with a couple ‘I Dos’ in Vegas with a troupe of Elvises in attendance.” Hee Hee. Blush Blush. Giggle Giggle. May as well stick it out and create a list of 10 rules, donchathink?