Every year around this time someone sends me an email with office party statistics, touting such findings as "30% of all employees have sex in a car after their holiday party!" I tried to locate such an email or website, yet most of my search results led to HR sites suggesting how much (or rather how little) alcohol to serve, what a company is liable for, etc. A few others give advice to new recruits on how to be on their best behavior at the festive shindig. Now, come on, what's up with that? Contrary to the HR websites, I think these sort of antics make holiday parties what they are truly meant to be -- an opportunity to have a rip-roaring good time at the expense of Corporate America. So for those of you who are fortunate enough to have an office holiday party this year, make us proud! Drink that nog, gloss those lips, and contribute to the greasy wheels of capitalism with your own sordid behavior at the office party. (For those of you who are a little on the shy side, much pleasure can be derived from convincing your co-workers to make asses of themselves instead of doing it yourself. Try it, satisfaction guaranteed!)

And now, without further ado, the office party statistics:*

-30% of office party attendees make out with a co-worker
-10% make out with the DJ, bartender, or Santa Claus
-20% of office party attendees use the occasion to tell their boss how they “really feel”
(10% of those people lose their jobs within 30 days of the party)
-5% of office holiday party attendees resign at the party (see Wurd of the Day rezagnation)
-20% of office holiday party attendees are offered drugs by a co-worker
(50% of them accept the offer, and 50% of those who accept do not make it to work the next day)
-21% of office party attendees call someone by the wrong name throughout the duration of the party
-30% of female asses, and 20% of male asses, are grabbed or “casually brushed” during the office holiday party
-15% of straight men consider “experimenting with men” at the office holiday party
(1% percent of them actually do)
-10% of office holiday party attendees complain of the drinks being too weak, despite the fact that they’ve just slaughtered the lyrics to "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" and are wearing their necktie around their head
-15% of office holiday party attendees get the hiccups at some point of the night
-10% leave without saying goodbye
(25% of those who do not say goodbye also do not show up for work the next day)
-5% of office holiday party attendees cry
-10% do not know how they got home
-25% dance in a manner that will be ruthlessly mocked in the office for months, if not years, to follow
-33% of office holiday party attendees have “someone to avoid” in the office the next day… if they make it in.

*statistics completely made up, but based on actual office parties past

Have you or someone you love become an office holiday party statistic? If so, tell all! Our statisticians are standing by.