For a long time I’ve been convinced that man is not monogamous by nature. I believe that monogamy is a social construction, that religious and government organizations have imposed the one-man-one-woman-till-death-do-us-part dogma on which the majority of people base their lifestyles in order to keep us subdued and obedient. I’ve chuckled at recent scientific discoveries that most of the animals and birds that we have been taught are monogamous really aren’t. DNA paternity testing of several species of birds have found that the mommies aren’t staying as close to the nest as we have thought. I know a woman in a healthy, functional polyamorous marriage and a man whose life-partner and he are open and accepting of one another’s lovers. On paper, or in the lives of others, it all makes sense. But reality is a far cry from the ideal.
As much as I believe in open relationships and freeing ourselves from the bonds of monogamy, I am a monogamist. I’m a big, doofy, self-tortured monogamist. I think one way but act another. I think the whole world should be about free love and honesty (people wouldn’t feel like such big losers when their relationships take a turn of infidelity if they realized that it’s only natural), yet I cannot even have a crush on two different people at once. I’ve only cheated on one boyfriend, and that was in college, and we hadn’t been sleeping together for over a month when I strayed (a month hiatus from the bedroom? In college? Something was clearly wrong.) I ended that relationship as soon as I could not remain faithful. Now I’m back to the shackles of monogamy, and I’m not even in a relationship. Before my relationships even start, monogamy gets in the way.
Here’s my deal. I’m very picky. When you’re very picky, the universe of men who you are interested in giving your time to is small. When you’re only considering one of them at a time, that makes it even smaller. Add to that the fact that the people I am most attracted to seem to be the least attainable, and I'm going to be monogamously single (nonogamous?) forever. Does he live four blocks away and call me a few times a week? I’ll tire of him in a matter of days. Does he live a few thousand miles away, never calls, and returns emails once every month or so? Is he in the Peace Corps, going through a divorce, or gay? Sounds great! Sign me up! I think I’m in love!
Clearly something has to change. The life of the nonogamist is precariously balanced between self-doubt (should I lower my standards?) and despair (screw 'em all!). Thankfully, I have lots of wonderful friends to keep me company while I mull this over. It makes the lapses between unrequited crushes a little easier to bear.
