Since I don't seem to be having any luck meeting a guy all the normal ways (bars, mutual friends, etc.) and I have a couple friends who met boyfriends this way, a few months ago I decided to try the online dating thing. I have actually gotten quite a lot of responses, but the problem is, not a lot of them are guys that I’d want to date. Some live way too far away, some are just not my type and some look downright scary! I even had two responses in the same day from guys that are married! Well, at least they’re honest, I guess…!

So, I did find a few here and there who could write and spell, (you would be amazed how many men in the Chicagoland area enjoy “fine dinning!”) had something interesting to say and that looked okay too. So, after a few emails exchanged there were a few sometimes awkward, sometimes okay phone conversations, and eventually the meeting for coffee or a drink. The first guy said he lived in Chicago and turned out he actually was living with his mom somewhere in the ‘burbs in a town I don’t even know where is (but he assured me he used to live in the city and was moving back in a few months). He was a nice enough guy and we had a decent time hanging out but I think we both knew that there was just nothing there. We never talked again.

Second guy seemed okay, and we agreed to meet for coffee. Along comes the day I am supposed to meet him and I feel really shitty. I try to convince myself I’ll be alright because I feel really bad canceling on him so I take a shower and then realize there is no way in hell I can leave the house and meet this guy. I’m feverish, my whole body aches, my throat is swollen, my glands are swollen and I have the worst splitting headache I’ve ever had in my life, my head feels like it will literally explode. So I call him and he’s not home. I leave a message but worry that he won’t get it in time. I have visions of this guy showing up at Starbucks and thinking he’s been stood up. I consider driving there and telling him I’m sick or calling and giving the people at Starbucks his description and to be on the lookout but realize both options are completely ridiculous. So I try him at home again and thank God, he’s there and I tell him that I’m really sorry, I feel like crap and I won’t be able to make it but I would like to meet him when I’m feeling better (I’m sure he thinks I’m lying, I probably would if it were the other way around).

So, eventually after I realize it’s not the flu and it’s not going away after a week and a half, I go to the doctor and guess what – I’ve got mono!!! I am 30 years old with mono and not only do I feel hellish and won’t feel better for at least a month (did I also mention that I was supposed to start my new job at the time and had to start three weeks later than planned?!?) but now I’ve got to endure everyone teasing me about having “the kissing disease” and as you can gather from the fact that I’ve resorted to online dating, I certainly haven’t at least gotten it through kissing! I don’t even know how I got it either. (In case you’re wondering, apparently it’s very easily spread and my doctor tells me you can get it through something like touching a doorknob someone with mono touched after coughing into their hand and you don’t realize and put your hand to your mouth or something – gross, I know.) So, I tell the guy that I have mono because for one thing it’s a really good excuse for not meeting him but on the other hand, he might think I am totally gross and that will be the end of that. Luckily he’d had mono in college (he got it by tasting someone else’s soup) so he was very understanding. We talked on the phone quite a few times throughout my recovery and eventually we again agreed to meet.

So we met for coffee and had dinner and walked around for a while. There wasn’t a ton of chemistry but he seemed alright so I figured we’d talk again and who knows, maybe even go out again if we decide to. We talked a few times after that and on one occasion we talked about possibly meeting up after I had dinner with a friend and he’d been out with his friends. So I call him after my dinner and leave him a message saying to call if he wants to meet. By this time I’m tired anyway so I don’t really care if he calls. He called alright – at about 3 or 4 A.M. my cell phone rings and I see his number and think, “What the hell…?” Of course I didn’t pick it up. I figure he’s drunk and actually find it kind of funny, so I call him the next day asking if he had a good time last night and ask if he remembers calling me and of course he doesn’t! We did talk a few more times but I guess there wasn’t really a whole lot there so the phone calls kind of fizzled out and that’s that.

After a couple months I decide to give it a shot again and I update my profile. I get some emails and one from a guy who’s my age, lives downtown and is a futures trader -- sounds okay. So we exchange a couple emails and talk on the phone and then decide to meet for a drink. I decide it’ll be nice to meet him downtown so I agree to meet him at his building. I get there and he opens the door and he really doesn’t look like his pictures – at all. He offers me a drink, I decline and so we set off to have dinner. At dinner we go through the usual small talk, order drinks and I tell him he looks kind of different from his pictures. Turns out they are 5 YEARS OLD! He thinks he looks the same just with a little less hair…um, sorry dude, you don’t look at all like you did at 25!!! Claims his ex-girlfriend took all the recent photos.

Among other things, he asks me when the last relationship I had was. I tell him I haven’t really dated in some years, after two back-to-back long-term relationships I decided I needed a break and I also, excuse the cliché, needed to find myself and discover who I am and what I want, etc. Once I got out of the dating scene I found it hard to get back in and so here I am. He can’t believe that I haven’t dated in years especially since I’m a woman at that age (30) and what about the physical side of things!?!? Okay, he doesn’t even know me and is being really forward and I don’t know why, but so as not to appear as a prudish freak, reluctantly admit that I’ve had a friend with occasional benefits. So we move along to other topics and soon I realize that while I’m nursing one drink (I have to drive home afterwards) he’s had about 4 beers in the space of like 20 minutes. Not a huge deal, I guess, but I make a mental note of it. Dinner’s over and we get the check. He was nice enough to insist I not pay anything and takes out his I.D. and credit card. I ask him why he’s got a state I.D. and not a driver’s license and he casually replies, “D.U.I.” Oh, but he has no shame over his D.U.I., he proceeds to tell me about the bastard cops in the suburbs and brag about the great lawyer who’s gonna get him off, how he got him off THE LAST TIME HE GOT A D.U.I. six years ago!!! O…kay….

I knew I didn’t want to see him again but for some reason I figure I’m out now so I’ll just make the best of it. There are lots of bars in the area so he decides we should try one called The Lodge. He says he’s been there once a long time ago and right before we go in he tells me this is the bar Chris Farley was in the night he died. “Good omen!” I joke. Well, it turns out to be one of those bars full of older men and peanut shells all over the floor. We have one drink and decide to move along. I figure I’ll just go with the flow and let him decide, so next we end up at the Alumni Club. If you are trying to relive the college experience, this one’s for you! After he questioned the $5 cover they explain that it’s 50-cent draft night so he’s pretty happy and pays for both of us. We sit down at a table and a waitress takes our order. I insist he let me at least buy him a 50-cent beer after he already bought me dinner and a couple drinks so since they are 50-cents he relents. I am feeling generous and I offer to buy him 2 at a time so we don’t have to order again and by this time I can see how much he likes to drink so who am I to stop him?!?! We sit there for a while and it seems the waitress has forgotten all about us (it is 50-cent draft night so they are really busy) so I offer to go up to the bar and get the three drinks. Finally I get served and after weaving my way through people and tables trying not to spill them, find that the waitress has been in my absence and brought the other three drinks – now there are six drinks on the table!!!!! I sip mine and he gets busy with the rest, I think he drank about four of them.

After a while I get tired and since it’s a work night, I decide to head home. So, we walk back to his building and since he’s giving me a parking voucher for his building’s garage, I go up to his apartment. As soon as we get in he offers me, you guessed it, a drink (which I turn down but he doesn’t) and offers to let me crash there if I’m not okay to drive. I assure him I’m fine, but thanks anyway, and ask him if he’s okay, he’s had a lot more to drink than me! He explains that that’s nothing, he can drink like 30-40 beers, he’s got a really high tolerance. I say to him, “You know that having a high-tolerance is not a good thing, right?” And he says, “I know.” So after getting my parking voucher and petting his very cute cat (he did get points for that but alas, it was not enough to make me want to date him again!) I said goodbye and wished him luck with his D.U.I. charge in court the next day. I am not jaded yet, surprisingly, but I still haven’t updated my profile!