The other day I became acquainted with the site www.findyourspot.com. It’s not what you’re thinking (or, at least it’s not what my gutter-mind was originally thinking) -- it’s a site where you answer a series of questions and at the end are awarded with a list of all the ideal cities for you to move to in the country. Not only that, but it can help you find a roommate, a job, and buy your damn plane ticket to your new home. Apparently the site is funded by local listings and helpful services for the movers-to-be.

My sole purpose for visiting this site was sheer curiosity. The survey only takes 10 minutes to fill out, if that, and I had to know what sort of questions led to the answers that would determine where I should be taking up residence in this country of ours. (Since it doesn’t cover cities outside of the US, I figured it couldn’t give me any practical relocation ideas anyway.) Embarking into the survey, I aimed to be as truthful as possible, confidant that any question I answered with honesty would lead me to destination New York City, my chosen home for the past six years of my life.

Then I saw the questions. The first set related to climate. You are given five levels of possible answers, ranging from strongly agree to strongly disagree. It’s your basic aggravating multiple choice test where you answer something strongly in one direction and know it will have an impact on the results contrary to what you want or expect. Basically, I found myself telling little white lies by question #3:

Summers are meant to be long and hot, like good chile peppers.

Considering it was 95 degrees outside when I took this test, and considering I knew by affirming this statement I was saying I wanted to live in a city with oppressively hot summers, I agreed. Not strongly, but I agreed.

I moved on like this, going so far as to say that I had no opinion either way on whether or not I’d love to be able to play tennis in January without a roof - or mittens. Although- duh! Who wouldn’t like that? But I suppose that’s what summer is for, so I wasn't really lying, per se, by saying I don’t care.

I was similarly neutral on the safety issue (Of course I’d like a safe place, but it’s no more important than things like economic, recreational, and cultural opportunities) and the taxes issue (You take the bad with the good - taxes are a necessary evil that I can live with as they are), even though the socialist inside me cringed. I was similarly neutral in selecting what part of the country I wanted to live in or whether or not there are religious groups or political associations present. But for the obvious ones, I was opinionated as hell. Yes, I want to live in a big city! Yes, I want to be near airports and major medical centers! My hometown should have plenty of public transportation! What more do you need to know about my opinions on home schooling and winter sports? I’ve told you all you need to know. Just take me to my destination, the only place I’m meant to be – New York City, baby.

I pressed the magic key that would lead me to my spot and was met with the following results:

San Diego, CA (not a bad place at all, but number one?)
Orange County, CA (aren’t we sort of getting at the same thing here, folks?)
Albuquerque, NM (um… isn’t that the place where Bugs Bunny always took the wrong turn?)
Honolulu, HI (now we’re talking)
Las Vegas, NV (must have been that “strongly agree” response to the “I love the nightlife” question)
Portland, OR (I see they call it the City of Roses. That, and the fact that the kid who sold me pot in college used to live there, is about all I know of Portland, OR)

There were six entries per page for a total of four pages. I had precisely 18 more chances to be united with the thing I love most about America (besides my parents and freedom). I cruised along in search of her, but was only met with Oakland. LA. Boston. Baltimore. Providence, RI. New Haven, CT (um, aren’t we going in the wrong direction here, folks?) Long Beach, CA. San Jose, CA. New Orleans. Hartford, CT (what the?). Little Rock, AR. DC. San Fran. Sacramento (ooookay, I think we’ve covered all of California now). Milwaukee, WI (aaaaaagggggggghhhhhh, do you know who you’re talking to?!) Chicago. Santa Fe, NM. Las Cruces, NM.

That’s it. End of story. Please click here to find a roommate or a job. But no mention of a little island on the south east edge of New York state that to some is the center of the universe.

I took the test with Jerry and Stevie, neither of whom received NYC as a result either (and Stevie concentrated in only two parts of the country – the northeast and the southwest.) By this point, we were sure there must be some mistake, a glaring omission had been made. Either they didn’t put New York in the database, or they were using all the wrong criteria for matching a person to the city of her dreams. We theorized that the cities that got the highest listings paid the highest ad dollars – and that when approached by the sales force from FindYourSpot.com, the New York tourism bureau said, “Screw you. We don’t want anybody here who needs a website to find us. Send those sorry bastards to Albuquerque.” Any explanation was possible, that is, anything but the fact that perhaps New York didn’t fulfill all the things we loved in life, and that some other town in the south or the midwest was just as great (and half the price!)

I decided to have a little fun with it and opted for the “Find A Roommate” function. Upon seeing the photo of Jamie in Phoenix AZ – he has a bedroom open for $500 and one hell of a head shot – I immediately told Jerry about it (he approached it not unlike a dating service- I saw him ogling Soho Chad right before I grabbed him for lunch.) We laughed about how we’d be quitting and moving to Phoenix next week to live with Jamie, and forgot about the site for the day.

But today, it bothered me that New York didn’t make my profile, and I tried to outsmart the system. I tried multiple combinations of survey answers that I thought would better suit a NYC match. For anything even remotely weather related that would not work in the city’s favor, I was neutral. I even changed my tax answer to If anything, we need to foster stronger government programs, even if that means more taxes (the socialist in me nodded.) I raised the target rent to as high as it would go ($1500), told the system I was from Peoria (in case it’s so smart it doesn’t recommend the city you live in now). I even offered to buy a house. At long last, I made it to the final page, and was recommended, in the 24th slot, New York City.

And just seeing it there, the City that never Sleeps, with its $600,000 cost for an average house, population 9.3 million, annual precipitation of 41 inches and snowfall 25 inches, made me happy, proud, matched. I had found my spot. I clicked through to learn about this great city I love, and was met with an image of the “skyline” – and my mood took a bit of a downturn. It looked so sad to me. Without the twins, we look just like my boss described when we drove into Manhattan from New Jersey after a business meeting – we look like any other city (no offense, Empire State Building.) The article goes on, citing a US News and World Report proclamation (no date attached) that New York was the “Comeback City”. Undergoing a renaissance of epic proportions, today the big Apple is cleaner, safer, and more prosperous than ever before. Well, thanks and everything, but isn’t all of America? Hasn’t economic prosperity been good to every strip-mall- and chain-restaurant-infused speck on the map from Maine to California? Why are we all of a sudden the Bad News Bears in the league of American cities?

Perhaps for the reasons stated earlier in FindYourSpot.com’s homage to my home – that the Sinatra song applies – if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. New York, in spite of all of the characteristics that make it wonderful, can also be a very tough place to live compared to most of the cities in America (watch this space for future musing on this topic). The article goes on to cite our “comeback” as being only a few years old, and although it says glowing things about our peoples of many colors, our recreation, our business, our art – it is still keeping us at arm’s length. And that’s probably what the rest of the country does too. In fact, it’s what I used to do. My most popular remark about my experiences in the big city after my first visit in ’94 was, “Great place to visit, but I could never live there.” For a myriad of reasons, two years later my opinion changed. I took the plunge and moved here, and my life will never be the same.

I suppose it’s the feeling of being misunderstood by the rest of the country that is so confounding to us New Yorkers. After all, most people’s impression of this place is fueled by the entertainment industry and media. In the 70’s most people associated NYC with the urban decay touched on in films like Taxi Driver and Mean Streets. In the 80’s, Wall Street and the Brett Easton Ellis genre defined us – slick-haired Gordon Gecko types were our poster children, and not many people can relate to that. The innocuous television programming of the 90’s sitcoms helped improve our image – after all, who doesn’t love Seinfeld or even (cringe) Friends? But now, in 2002, I’m afraid the image that most people can’t shake is of our precious towers ablaze, and the loss of so much human life on that fated day. In this day of government warnings about the safety (or lack thereof) of our precious landmarks like the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Bridge, the message to many is proceed at your own risk. We may be the “Comeback City”, but there are probably still a lot of people who are unwilling to come back for a visit, let alone to make it their home.

But that’s okay with me. I worry about the things I can control, not the things I cannot. If FindYourSpot.com and the rest of the country think that Albuquerque is a more desirable place to live, they’re entitled to their opinion. I just know that right now, NYC is the place for me, and it’s going to take a lot more than being snubbed on FindYourSpot.com to make me change my mind.