Bitch-Sessions.com: The No-Talent Show - Surreal Life / Episode 4

The No-Talent Show - Surreal Life / Episode 4
By Jen

Many apologies for not summarizing last week's episode of The Surreal Life. Surprisingly, it turns out that I actually do have a social life, and I was at a friend's birthday party during the majority of the show. I did however manage to catch a short glimpse while I was getting ready to go out. This unfortunately happened over a week ago, and the only thing I seem to remember was the baffling visual of Hammer and Webster sitting chummily on a rock together, surrounded by what appeared to be tents.

From this I deduced that:

A: They roomies were on a camping trip.

And

B: I didn’t miss much.

I did however have the misfortune of catching this week’s episode. For your reading displeasure…a short summary:

Their day began much like any day you or I might have. The roomies shared a cup of joe, and opened up their tailor-made tabloid newsletter to find out how they were to spend their day. “The Surreal Life Gazette” (or whatever it is called) told them that they were to organize, sell tickets to, and perform in, a wacky talent show that was going to be held at the mansion…all proceeds of course going to charity. (The charity likely being “Washed-Up stars in need of cash.”) Apparently, the “winner” of the talent show would win a secret prize!! Shortly after they received this news, a van pulled up to take them all to Hollywood so that they could push their tickets on unsuspecting passers-by. Six out of the seven roomies hopped out of the van, and shamelessly and enthusiastically hocked their wares. Vince Neil appeared to be the sole member of the group to realize that selling $10 tickets to a talent show is slightly demeaning. Instead of selling his tickets like the rest of his idiotic roommates, he simply went to a nearby ATM, took enough money out of his account to cover his required contribution, and gave his stack of tickets to a bunch of kids who seemed super-stoked to be given tickets from Vince Neil of Motley Crue.

After completing their sales, the roomies returned home to rehearse, and came to the startling realization that, with the exception of Vince and possibly Hammer, none of them actually had any talent. Webster at least had the intelligence to realize this, and when told by Andrea Zuckerman to just have “fun with it,” responded with:

"It's supposed to be for fun and humor. I don't find it fun, and I don't find it humorous."

That pretty much sums things up.

The rehearsal went on. Brande asked Webster for advice on how to breakdance, Andrea practiced her kazoo, Jerry wrote a poem, Hammer made dinner, and Corey got totally dissed by Vince Neil.

Corey, we found out, is in a band…a band that apparently had just released a record…and Corey was hell-bent on using both the show AND Vince Neil to shamelessly promote his new album. While Corey was rehearsing his song, he asked Vince to sing BACK-UP for him. Not only did he ask Vince Neil, lead singer of Motley Crue, to sing BACK-UP, he also had the nerve give him advice on HOW to sing back-up for his pitiful little song. Vince declined. Vince also declined Corey’s offer to play harmonica while Vince performed the song that he wrote for the talent show. This made Corey sad, and he stomped off in a huff saying: “Forget about this stupid talent show. I’m planning a wedding…that’s what’s real.”

God he’s an idiot. I hate him so much.

The audience, largely consisting of young street kids and disoriented tourists (who probably thought they had purchased tickets to Universal Studios or something), arrived and took their seats.

Brande opened the Talent Show with gusto, displaying the always popular talent of “Wearing a Cheerleader’s Uniform while Breakdancing.” It was difficult to watch. She should have just stood on stage in a bikini. It would have been far less embarrassing for everyone.

Next, Andrea Zuckerman played “While the Saints go Marching In” on the Kazoo. She was backed up by Jerry and Brande, who marched in place in the background while wearing short skirts and feather boas. It was horrific. I was too mortified to sit through the entire thing, so I went out on my balcony and plugged my ears.

Corey Feldman’s band,”The Corey Feldman Band,” performed next. Corey sang a god-awful song entitled “I Believe Again," a song whose lyrics seemingly were written by a three year old. Vince Neil DID end up singing back-up to Corey, but he looked rather reluctant about the whole thing. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he was somehow blackmailed or physically threatened into performing. He looked scared.

Next, we were introduced to “Clive Rufus Brown” (aka MC Hammer). Apparently Hammer didn’t want his reputation tarnished by the talentless buffoons he was performing with, and decided to create an alternate identity for himself. Clad in a white terry cloth robe, a black wig, and a purple pimp suit, he gyrated around the stage, yelping and shouting unintelligible syllables. So far, it was the best performance of the evening. Webster joined him on stage and danced about while Hammer repeated over and over again: “Manny Mo is in the house, Manny Mo is in the House.” This was a big hit with the audience.

Jerri read her poem. It was not good.

Vince Neil performed the finale; a song entitled “The Surreal Life Blues.” Compared to the other performances of the evening, his was a masterpiece. Best of all, the lyrics made fun of all his roommates:

Jerri's making a cocktail. In Australia there's nothing to drink.
Brande is a lifeguard. With that rack she'll never sink.
Gabby's in the kitchen, and how she likes to rock!
Hammer he's a preacher. He likes to hear himself talk.
We got the blues - The Surreal Life blues.

Manny says he's a fisherman, but he shouldn't use it for his life.
Corey's getting married, but he hasn't told his wife.
Well I'm in Mötley. There's nothing left to lose.

Sitting in a jail I call The Surreal Life blues.

Does anyone else smell a Grammy???

Naturally, the audience voted Vince Neil the winner of the contest, and he was awarded a huge bedroom in the house, all to himself. You could see the sweet look of relief on his face. I can’t even imagine how horrible it would be to share sleeping quarters with Corey Feldman.

Next week:

The kids go carousing in Las Vegas, and Vince tells someone to f*&K off!! I for one hope it's Corey.

January 24, 2003 · 03:42 PM
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