Bitch-Sessions.com: The Air Up There

The Air Up There
By Yoda

In 90 days I managed to travel the country and see every single person I have ever known in my entire life. I was in Manhattan, Miami, Boca Raton, Chicago, Los Angeles and Peoria. This was helluva lot of traveling from my home in San Francisco. The child of two devoted United travelers, I naturally grew up to be a United traveler in my own right. All of my miles are on United, all of my credit cards are in the name of United. It was only in this 90-day explosion of domestic travel that I was forced to reach out and touch other airlines. (When corporate travel books your flight, you don’t ask, you just fly.) At the end of my 90 days, I learned two very important things: 1 – I will never take a job that requires a lot of travel. 2 – I now consider myself to be some sort of expert on the personalities of different airlines. They are not, in fact, all the same. They each own their own piece of the sky. The airline you choose can and will affect your mood once your feet are back on the ground. Here are a few things to keep in mind next time you’re booking a flight.

UNITED
Come fly the angry skies. From first-class to us slobs in economy, ticketing agents to stewards, no one is getting enough – not enough food, not enough space, not enough ass-kissing, not enough information, not enough salary – frankly, from the scowls I’ve seen, it seems not enough sex, either. Everyone is just plain pissy. Growing up on United, I just assumed this was the way of the world. Airlines are places where travelers and employees come together to hate their current state of existence. It’s nothing more than a means to an end; get me where I need to go, or get me a lousy paycheck. Either way, thank you very little.

My theory on the angry skies is simple: The employees are pissed off that their company is going down the shit-tubes and the passengers are either A) pissy that there is such a ridiculous division of class in every aspect of this airline, or B) pissy that they have to ride on the same plane as those commoners in coach.

After being scolded for having my seat-back in the reclined position during landing (some bitchy steward actually said to me “You would have KNOWN this if you hadn’t SLEPT through my safety presentation before take-off”), I decided I officially hate United. I also decided that bitch of a steward had best not step in front of my car. Ever.

AMERICAN
There really IS something special in the air. It’s called legroom! In a stroke of absolute genius, American actually was able to break through the whole division of class crap by offering more legroom in coach. This isn’t some silly marketing ploy – it’s real. And it’s brilliant. Whereas most travelers used to view United and American as essentially one and the same, those that have come over from the dark side are suddenly amidst friendly, polite, happy people. Just like on the ground! It’s amazing what a little space can do for morale. Those in first class are not nearly as aloof. In fact, more than once I saw first-classers checking out the leg room in coach and asking themselves why in the hell anyone would waste dollars/miles on an upgrade. That’s right – those coachers are suddenly the smarter and more savvy travelers. The playing ground is even, the stewards know it, and everybody’s happy.

NORTHWEST
Ever wondered why no one with green hair, tats or multiple piercings traveled? Then you’ve never been on Northwest Airlines. Hands down, the people-watching on Northwest is amazing. I never realized how terribly white the big two airlines really are. I didn’t see a single business suit on my Northwest trip. Rather, I got to watch two of the strangest human beings I have ever seen for four uninterrupted hours. (The guy actually ate an entire head of romaine lettuce in ten minutes. When I say entire – I mean ENTIRE – root and all. Did I mention he ate it like an apple? Bizarre.) The experience was sensational. Diversity. Just like on the ground! Amazing!

The diversity doesn’t end with the travelers. The stewards are equally pierced, overweight and flamboyantly gay. It’s FABULOUS. There is nothing corporate or big business about the employees of Northwest. They get it – I’m not asking for a pedicure, I’m just asking for another pillow. I don’t want to be ostracized for my high maintenance two-pillow-preferring ass.

JET BLUE
And then there’s Jet Blue. Good God they must be pumping laughing gas through the ventilation system. NEVER will you find friendlier, happier stewards. And why not? These people are making money hand-over fist. Their CEO flies at least once a week to ask travelers what they like and don’t like. Then, in a strange and rare act of selflessness, he actually makes changes based upon the feedback! OMIGOD – has hell frozen over????

Jet Blue has NO, I repeat, NO division of class. Everyone gets a big fat leather chair. Everyone gets Direct TV. Everyone gets friendly stewards who can tell you what’s on for the duration of your flight. I got to see a horse, a cow, a goat and twelve puppies being born! I ask you – what better way to spend your time in flight than witnessing the miracle of birth on the Animal channel? But travelers beware – you must execute self-control. By the time I got off the 6-hour flight to NYC, I was afraid I was growing antennae. Direct TV two feet in front of your face for six hours can be a little much. I did much better on my way home. (Then again, there was a cute boy sitting next to me, so I focused on watching smart programs start to finish instead of surfing the Game Show Network, Home Improvement Channel and E!.)

So what have we learned? Always ask yourself what kind of trip you’re embarking upon before booking your flight. United is a great airline if you’re, say, flying to hell. When you don’t want the vacation to end, book a flight on Jet Blue – squeeze every last drop out of your trip. If you’re planning to be on a flight for more than eight hours, Jet Blue may not be the best thing for your brain – take the legroom on American instead. And if you’re looking for material to submit to bitch-sessions, by all means book your next trip on Northwest.

January 21, 2003 · 11:09 AM
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