Every year around this time someone sends me an email with office party statistics, touting such findings as "30% of all employees have sex in a car after their holiday party!" I tried to locate such an email or website, yet most of my search results led to HR sites suggesting how much (or rather how little) alcohol to serve, what a company is liable for, etc. A few others give advice to new recruits on how to be on their best behavior at the festive shindig. Now, come on, what's up with that? Contrary to the HR websites, I think these sort of antics make holiday parties what they are truly meant to be -- an opportunity to have a rip-roaring good time at the expense of Corporate America. So for those of you who are fortunate enough to have an office holiday party this year, make us proud! Drink that nog, gloss those lips, and contribute to the greasy wheels of capitalism with your own sordid behavior at the office party. (For those of you who are a little on the shy side, much pleasure can be derived from convincing your co-workers to make asses of themselves instead of doing it yourself. Try it, satisfaction guaranteed!)
And now, without further ado, the office party statistics:*
-30% of office party attendees make out with a co-worker
-10% make out with the DJ, bartender, or Santa Claus
-20% of office party attendees use the occasion to tell their boss how they “really feel”
(10% of those people lose their jobs within 30 days of the party)
-5% of office holiday party attendees resign at the party (see Wurd of the Day rezagnation)
-20% of office holiday party attendees are offered drugs by a co-worker
(50% of them accept the offer, and 50% of those who accept do not make it to work the next day)
-21% of office party attendees call someone by the wrong name throughout the duration of the party
-30% of female asses, and 20% of male asses, are grabbed or “casually brushed” during the office holiday party
-15% of straight men consider “experimenting with men” at the office holiday party
(1% percent of them actually do)
-10% of office holiday party attendees complain of the drinks being too weak, despite the fact that they’ve just slaughtered the lyrics to "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" and are wearing their necktie around their head
-15% of office holiday party attendees get the hiccups at some point of the night
-10% leave without saying goodbye
(25% of those who do not say goodbye also do not show up for work the next day)
-5% of office holiday party attendees cry
-10% do not know how they got home
-25% dance in a manner that will be ruthlessly mocked in the office for months, if not years, to follow
-33% of office holiday party attendees have “someone to avoid” in the office the next day… if they make it in.
*statistics completely made up, but based on actual office parties past
Have you or someone you love become an office holiday party statistic? If so, tell all! Our statisticians are standing by.
(The following statistics are based on actual occurances at office parties that I have attended)
5% of attendees to holiday "lunches," consume so much alcohol prior to the meal that they get cut off by the bar before the food is even ordered.
(1% of these people return to the office only to vomit all over his or her cubicle, causing the manager to make a very uncomfortable call to building maitenance.)
2% of office party attendees remove all of their clothing, save for their socks and underwear, and dance on small cocktail tables.
(1% of these attendees fall off the table and break their arm.)
1% of male office party attendees follow their female co-workers into the women's restroom in an attempt to impress them ala the bathroom scene in Top Gun. (100% of these people, to my knowledge, have been fired within a week of the office party.)
15% of office party attendees do the limbo.
(8% of said attendees fall down while doing the limbo, therefore flashing all of their co-workers. 1% of THESE attendees are wearing garter belts without underwear and end up causing *quite* a stir among their male counterparts.)
5% of of employees overdress for the party, and wind up looking like fools in their sequined gowns and gold lame skirts.
My party is next week! Hopefully I'll have some more office party stats to add!!
100% Of the 1% of men that will "experiment with other men" swallow.
Something that I could never have predicted occurred after my office holiday luncheon yesterday. At 5 pm, after drinking since noon, our head accountant, my boss, Jerry, Stevie, a few salesmen, two female coworkers, and our new friend Elma from marketing, headed to a strip club. Called Lace, it was located off a major highway in the ‘burbs, and it was anything but sexy. The night quickly deteriorated from there.
On a more positive note, Elma from marketing claimed, after hanging with Jerry, Stevie and I for a mere 20 minutes, that we were the coolest people she’d met at the company in her entire four years there.
I think we may have just become a statistic.
100% of those people working in corporate America for companies that offer 2 drink coupons at a "Year End Recognition Banquet" instead of letting us photocopy our asses on the copiers like the rest of the world make New Year's Resolutions to change jobs in the forthcoming year. (Of these, 85% make the exact same resolution year, after year, after year.....
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