Bitch-Sessions.com: Jen and Gina's Celebrity Prison

Jen and Gina's Celebrity Prison
By GxxP

Last night Jen and I were talking about Michael Jackson’s recent antics, and out of genuine concern for him (and his children), we concocted a plan that would put his children out of harm’s way. Basically we decided he should go to celebrity prison, a land with no plastic surgeons and by god! -- no minors. While we were at it, we decided we should also remove a few other celebs from society, but not necessarily for the same reasons as Michael. Therefore we created several different security compounds to which we’d like to send a few people who may have spent a little too much time in the limelight. Here is our proposition.

People who should be removed from society:

(This is the maximum security compound, as these celebs are an endangerment not only to themselves but others. A few of them are highly unstable, so in order to get them to move to the prison, we will need to take an approach not unlike when you send an oddball relative to the mental hospital for a much needed respite. We need to make the impending outing sound like fun -- like Neverland Ranch, or an NRA amusement park; we then ship them off to celebrity prison, lock them up, and throw away the key.)

Michael Jackson
Mike Tyson
Charlton Heston
Courtney Love
O.J. Simpson

People we just need a break from:

(This is the minimum security prison. These inmates are allowed to make personal phone calls, finger paint, and some of them are even committee chairs.)

Jocylene Wildenstein, aka the Cat Lady
Liz Taylor
Liza Minnelli (and her gay husband)
Paige Davis from Trading Spaces (and her gay husband)
Fiona Apple
Mariah Carey
Anne Heche
William Shatner
Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie

People who need a legal guardian:

(Well, it’s just one person. She’ll have her own cell decorated with animal print rugs and a big pink bed. And her own bathtub.)

Anne Nicole Smith

People who need solitary confinement for purposes of ego reversal:

(This category speaks for itself. A few months in solitary and maybe these people will realize they are not the center of the universe.)

David Cassidy
Barry Williams (aka Greg Brady)
Diana Ross

And finally, People who should stage their own death:

(This is merely to spare us from careers that should have been over a long time ago, if anybody with taste had a say in the matter.)

Celine Dion
Britney Spears
Christina Aguilera
Fabio

Have any celeb you’d like to banish? Please let us know, friend. Together we can make the world a better place.

November 23, 2002 · 12:53 PM
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Comments

Hmmm..I thought that Brit & Christina had already staged their own deaths? The media won't let them die! argh!!!!!

So throw in some of those folks from ET or Access Hollywood.
Posted by: Roni on November 27, 2002 02:27 PM

Pamela Anderson! 5 years in solitary please.
Posted by: subdude on December 3, 2002 10:59 AM

Whitney Houston needs to be admitted immediately. She must join the "people who need solitary confinement for purposes of ego reversal." Get her in there FAST. If anyone had the displeasure of witnessing her interview on ABC last night, the urgent nature of this situation is obvious. The recap of the interview doesn't do it justice, but check it out anyway. She's crazy, really crazy. She made Mariah Carey (who interviewed a couple of days ago) look completely and utterly sane.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/2002-12-03-whitney-drugs_x.htm
Posted by: Jen on December 5, 2002 12:26 PM

I'm really tired of J LO right now. She should be sent to the "people who need solitary confinement for purposes of ego reversal" prison. It seems that every time you turn on the telly she's on, wether it's MTV, ET, E!, etc. talking about herself or that damned engagement to Ben Affleck, whom I dislike as well.
Posted by: darko on December 20, 2002 11:07 PM

Oh and by the way (and I'm sorry for posting twice) but you are completely right about wanting to get rid of some celebs. I've been wondering for some time now just what the hell Michael Jackson's damage is.

http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html
Posted by: darko on December 20, 2002 11:10 PM

Here's one who, IMHO, deserves to be added to the list: AVRIL LAVIGNE. God, WHERE do I begin, she's annoying on oh, so many levels. She's what, 18, comes from a secure & loving family unit, is allegedly pretty (if adolescent raccoon faced pop monstrosities are your definition of the word "pretty") and it's all "wah, wah, wah, I'm so complex, misunderstood and angsty". Oh puh-lease. What the ***k is she rebelling against - Mommy & Daddy dared to question her intake of Sunny Delight or something? Pink can effortlessly slide thru genres, rock, pop, R&B and maintain credibility, whilst Avril is the result of some middle aged pop promoters' mastubatory fantasy. Are people truly stupid enough to lap it up? Oh, what I wouldn't give to see one of Avril's neckties get caught in the wheels of one of the boards in the "Sk8r Boi" video (kind of like Isodora Duncan's scarf getting caught in the wheels of a sports car whilst speeding thru Paris).
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