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The Dairy Heist
By Jen

I have done it!! I have solved one of the biggest mysteries of all time!! ( Or at least one of the biggest mysteries at my place of employment.) For as long as I have worked at my company, someone has been stealing my milk out of the refrigerator in the kitchenette.

Our company is too cheap to purchase milk for their employees, and unless you are a fan of that faux milk product, Parmalat, if you want to enjoy your coffee "on the light side" you are forced to bring your own milk to work. Since any dairy product that does not have to be refrigerated (be it fake or otherwise) scares me to death, I am one of many who purchases milk and stores it in shared refrigerator at work. It is from this shared refrigerator that my milk is being stolen on a regular basis.

I know, I know...it's just milk. I shouldn't be so stingy. It's really the principal of the thing. Hell, I don't even really care if people use use my milk, but please, for the love of god, if you use the last bit of it, at least have the courtesy to purchase a new carton. There is nothing worse than pouring yourself a cup of coffee and then realizing with horror that your recently purchased (and recently full) carton of milk is empty, courtesy of the office dairy theif. I quickly found out that this milk theivery is not unique to me. It seems that everyone who keeps their milk in the fridge has had it stolen at some point. This has happened so much, that I have even gone so far as to tape a scathing note to the fridge demanding that the theif replace my empty carton with a full one, no questions asked. This of course never happened, and I dejectedly removed my note. (I was however applauded by my fellow milk-robbery victims for my efforts to solve the problem.) For over two years I have dreamed of catching the milk-napper in the act, and for those two years this theif has managed to remain at large....that is, until today.

I was in the kitchenette fixing a salad when one of my coworkers entered the room. As I sliced up vegetables and mixed my salad dressing, I noticed that she was puttering around and taking an unnecessarily long time to make her tea. Though I wondered about her odd behavior, my hunger overcame my curiousity and I picked up my lunch and left the room. As I walked out, I realized that I'd forgotten a fork, and returned to the kitchenette. Imagine my surprise when I saw her pouring MY milk into HER tea as if she didn't have a care in the world. I didn't say anything immediately, and instead quietly poured a cup of coffee. As she was returning the stolen goods back into the refrigerator, I innocently asked if she could "pass me my milk." She handed it over and glanced at me in horror as I poured a generous amount into my coffee. I smiled victoriously as she scampered, red faced, out of the room. Of course, I'm not going to confront her further about this, I think I made my point loud and clear. I have however told about 5 people that she's the dairy theif, I think that will suffice for now. Hopefully she's learned her lesson, and we can all now refrigerate our milk without fear.

October 09, 2002 · 03:15 PM
Permanent Link · Comments (91) · TrackBack (1)

Comments

That is so awesome!! I hate people who steal things from the work fridge. If you continue to have missing milk, are you going to say anything?
Posted by: on October 10, 2002 11:54 AM

This is exactly like the scene in "Clockwatchers" where Parker Posey's character busts the office nerd for stealing all the crap in the office.

OK, that was random...
Posted by: Glenda on October 10, 2002 02:23 PM

i just want to point out for the record that Parmalat is real milk. I'm assuming your office does what mine does and stocks its fridge with Parmalat-in-a-box, like how soy milk is sold. It's just regular milk, the packaging is just weird.

In Canada they sell milk in big plastic bags!

I am chock full of stupid facts like these.
Posted by: Jimmy Legs on October 10, 2002 02:34 PM

My apologies for my misrepresentation of Parmalat. I just checked the ingredients,and you are quite correct. Milk products that do not have to be refrigerated still frighten me a bit. I just can't help it.
Posted by: Jen on October 10, 2002 03:11 PM

Omigod, that is crueling satisfying in some weird avengeful way. It's like you did a payback for all those annoying, ANNOYING people who do those LITTLE things...you know, like stealing milk or paperclips or deliberately not following simple rules because they for whatever reason are above them. Those people who drive 45 in the fast lane in a 70 mph, and don't give a crap about it and won't move over.

Going off on a tangent here. You did awesome. If only I could be so bold as to do something like that. I am usually very anti-confrontation and when I do confront someone, I usually am so angry I blow up at them or I am shaking. The funny thing is, if you blow up about it, they're like "what the hell is your problem? It's just MILK, lady!" And then YOU look like the ass. But you did it perfect. You made her look like an ass without saying anything derogatory or out of the ordinary. And you smiled "victoriously". Way to go.
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