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In My Tribe
By GxxP

This article was published in the New York Times Magazine in October 2001 and perfectly depicts what I refer to as the "second family".

By ETHAN WATTERS

It may be true that 'never marrieds' are saving themselves for something better. They may also be saving the institution of marriage while they're at it.

You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the ''never marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number of never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median age of marriage to the oldest it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 27 for men.

As if the connotation of ''never married'' weren't negative enough, the vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics prove a ''titanic loss of family values,'' according to The Washington Times. An article in Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women were ''denying themselves and society the benefits of marriage'' and in the process kicking off ''an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity.'' In a study on marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the ''social glue'' of the family is at stake, adding ominously that ''crime rates . . . are highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males.''

Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a brief transition period between college and marriage. The problem was, I wasn't just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the Rutgers researchers, I was ''soul-mate searching.'' Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the statement ''When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost.'' This über-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 survey, fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man they didn't love if he fit their criteria in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and went, as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not by plan -- became a loose group of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and routines began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one another's apartments, cheered one another on at sporting events and open-mike nights. One day I discovered that the transition period I thought I was living wasn't a transition period at all. Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban tribe.

I use the word ''tribe'' quite literally here: this is a tight group, with unspoken roles and hierarchies, whose members think of each other as ''us'' and the rest of the world as ''them.'' This bond is clearest in times of trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent terrorist strikes), my instinct to huddle with and protect my group is no different from what I'd feel for my family.

Once I identified this in my own life, I began to see tribes everywhere I looked: a house of ex-sorority women in Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee players in Boston and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex. Cities, I've come to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where fragile individuals with arrested development mope around self-indulgently searching for true love. There are rich landscapes filled with urban tribes.

So what does it mean that we've quietly added the tribe years as a developmental stage to adulthood? Because our friends in the tribe hold us responsible for our actions, I doubt it will mean a wild swing toward promiscuity or crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss of ''family values.'' It is a fresh expression of them.

It is true, though, that marriage and the tribe are at odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully tell you, loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on romantic relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage usually signals the beginning of the end of tribal membership. From inside the group, marriage can seem like a risky gambit. When members of our tribe choose to get married, the rest of us talk about them with grave concern, as if they've joined a religion that requires them to live in a guarded compound.

But we also know that the urban tribe can't exist forever. Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find ourselves feeling vaguely as if we're living in the latter episodes of ''Seinfeld'' or ''Friends,'' as if the plot lines of our lives have begun to wear thin.

So, although tribe membership may delay marriage, that is where most of us are still heading. And it turns out there may be some good news when we get there. Divorce rates have leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at Brigham Young University, says he believes he knows why. In a paper to be published next year, he argues that it is because people are getting married later.

Could it be that we who have been biding our time in happy tribes are now actually grown up enough to understand what we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist -- we ''never marrieds'' may end up revitalizing the very institution we've supposedly been undermining.

And there's another dynamic worth considering. Those of us who find it so hard to leave our tribes will not choose marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable next step in our lives, the way middle-class high-school kids choose college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing something precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to learn to treat our marriages with the reverence they need to survive.

Ethan Watters is a writer living in San Francisco.


September 24, 2002 · 12:01 PM
Permanent Link · Comments (80)
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This article recognizes a growing movement that is not respected in mainstream society. This needs to be widely published so that single people don't have to feel like lepers. I think taking our time in our individual process is vital to having a fulfilling life and a healthy relationship.

Posted by: Alison on December 13, 2003 03:50 PM

Someone sent me this article a few years ago and it stuck with me because this is my crew. My friends and I are such a unique group of people that others seem to envy us and are somewhat in awe, but are content to sit on the fringes and watch the dynamics at work. To a certain degree, even we don't understand it. We all went to college together, but didn't really know each other. Our family grew from a group of people hanging out together who didn't get on each other's nerves, didn't subscribe to the pettiness of a lot of friendships, could be 100% themselves and were able to laugh at each other and ourselves. But over the years we've become each other's surroget family, our life lines. We've become stronger, better and more compassionate individuals because of each other. And while our relationship with each other may have delayed us from getting married, it has also helped keep us sane in the the midst of choatic dating world and keep us from making rash decisions and rushing into a marriage we may regret. As we are approaching and entering our 30's it is scary to think what's going to happen as we get boyfriends and girlfriends who turn into fiances and husbands and wives. It's scary to think about what will happen to our unique group. While I know that our bond is strong enough that our friendship will never die, as life goes on things will change as the primary focus changes from the indivdual and the group to spouses, family and children. So what I'll be 30 this year with no prospect of a husban and no children. And while I want to get married and have children someday, now I'm just enjoying the ride. It's has been a rewarding experience I wouldn't change for anything.

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